Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
Randomize
