He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
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