She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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