The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize
