Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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