After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
