That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Randomize
