I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
