nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
