When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
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