I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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