I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Randomize
