The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
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