the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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