I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Randomize
