I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
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