woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize