Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
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