I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Randomize
