Will you blow on my dice?
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
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