I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
