So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Randomize
