I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
We didn't go..parents came home with patron wanting to play drinking games --we asked no questions
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
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