i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Randomize