wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
