made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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