I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
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