you traded sex for a burrito?
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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