Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
