I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
