Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
