I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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