You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Randomize
