I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Randomize
