The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
