I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
