His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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