Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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