I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
