Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Randomize
