if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Drunk is a universal language darling
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