I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
