You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
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