don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
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