she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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