I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
