Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
