please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Randomize
