need another drink. this is the easiest way
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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