i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize
