"it" just moved
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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