My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
I'm really busy with my period
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