i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Text me some of your sweat
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
