Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Randomize
