i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
there is puke in my bra ... again
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
