I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
