i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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