theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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