Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Houston, we have a squirter
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
Randomize
