oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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