It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize