I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Randomize
