Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
