She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
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