So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
