its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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